Busted!!

Ana: uuh
http://longscarves.blogspot.com/2011/06/anas-message-to-dying-world.html
?
bwaaa???
me: HAHAHHAHAH DAMN IT!!!
Ana: ahahahahahaaaaa
wtf
thats pretty impressive
me: we were talking one day about how funny convos with you are, and we're like we should save them b/c she cracks us up! so we wanted to get a bunch together and then get together with you in person and show you this whole blog!!! how did you finddddd it???
Ana: if i knew i was being taped i would have done less "babbahaha"
me: cris figured out how to add pictures!
it was going to be ahhmazing!
now we just look like creepers
hahahahhahahahahahhahaha
Ana: cassie showed em
its hilarious
me: I KNOW!!
hahahhahahah!!!
Ana: because i had no idea
i was really scared at first
me: people in saudi arabia read it!
LMAO!
Ana: i was like "damn, shouldnt have bought so many poison books, they're recording me now"
me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAAHAH
Ana: then i saw it was you guys
i was like, "wheeew"

Hole Enforcers

Ana's new status message - I was looking for those little stickers that are used when one of the holes from a 3 hole punched piece of paper is ripped. I don't know what they're called...but let me tell you, googling "hole enforcers" and "hole correctors" do NOT give the desired results. 2:26 PM
me: omg dying
hahahahhahahhahahahah
Ana: ahaha
me: so your google search didnt' go as planned?
did you do an image search?
hahahahhahahhaa
Ana: ahaa no thank god
me: LOL!! did you end up finding your hole enforcers?
Ana: nooo
hole protectors doesnt work either
me: bahahahhahahahahhahahahaha
i know what you're talking about though!
Ana: WHAT IS IT CALLED?
me: http://www.officespecialties.com/avery_dennison_05721_reinforcement_labels_ave_33056_prd1.htm
reinforcement labels?
Ana: WOOOOO
THAT HARDLY DESCRIBES WHAT IT IS
AINT NO LABEL!
me: LOL!! i know! at first i was googling stickers
i wouldn't consider it a label!
now you can reinforce your holes!!!
hooray!
Ana: ahaha
HOLE ENFORCERS
ENFORCING THE HOLE
me: HAHAHAHAHHAHA!! i'm picturing little people with spears
telling holes to be holes
Ana: ahaha
i imagined a large german man wearing leather
me: you would

Ana's Message to the Dying World

Ana's status: stop. breeding.
me: who's breeding?
Ana: the worls
*world
me: im not
currently
Ana: good
i dont mind SOME breeding
but there are too many people
and they world is dying'
me: and here i was planning on popping out nine or ten kids
Ana: damn!
me: i figured i could move next to you and you could help out, be like a babysitter
Sent at 5:00 PM on Thursday
Ana is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Ana comes online.
me: that's a no on the babysitting then?

Thou Shalt Not Speak Of...

me: somehow i spent a shitload at target and i dont even know what i got really
some draino, a dress, face lotion...
Ana: oh target will do that...
let us not speak of it

Valiant Yogurtmen

Ana's new status message - HAIR REMOVAL GROUPON. EDITED JOKES HERE WE COME!
me: hahahahahha!!! i need a link to this article when you're done!
Ana: bahaha
im sure by the time its edited it will be nice and tarded
me: hahahahhahahahha!! then i will insert my own Ana commentary in my head
as i read it
bahahah
Ana: http://www.groupon.com/deals/alpine-yogurt-cafe yogurt cow
me: hahahah! your opening line is amazing
Ana: bahah rob helped
it was better before the edits
Ana: i called them yogurtmen
valiant yogurtmen

8RED

Ana: SO ROB CALLS ME
and hurridly asks me if the shop downstairs has five 50 pound bags of concrete that i can take home
i ask him why and he says "I dont have time to explain"
i REALLY hope he didnt open up another underground portal to hell
me: LMAO!!!!!!
Ana: plus that wouls take at LEAST 7 bags
me: the portal is obviously affecting his math skillz
Ana: sooo I have NO IDEA what im going home to
me: what could he possibly make with 5 bags of concrete?? LMAO!
dont you need one of those mixer trucks to go with it?
Ana: ahahahaaaaa
i have no idea
its all very alarming
me: hahah i'm still dying laughing
Ana: ahahahahaaaaa
me: you MUST provide this concrete
Ana: im scared!
me: if anything it'll just end in someones death...nothing to be concerned about
bahahhahahaha
Ana: they dont have any!
me: OH NO
you're screwed then
bahahhahahahhaahahhahha
Ana: there are going to be all kinds of devils eating my food and drawing on the walls when i get there
me: your only concern about having devils in your house is them drawing on your walls?!?!?!?!?!
hahahahhahhahahhahah
Ana: rob will have soot all over his face
me: OR PREHAPS THE DEVILS WILL BE EATING HIS BRAINS!
Ana: i'll have to go find some virgins
TOUGH JOB
naaaah
Ana: i have a lot of pina colada mix lefy
me: not after the drunk devils get to it
Ana: oh man that could be fun though
maybe this is a good thing
unique marketing opportinity
me: sooo you're basically saying you either need to come home with a shit ton of concerte...or a shit ton of virgins
this is why you're my friend
hahahhaha
Ana: if tomorrow the sun rises read, you'll know
8RED
and if nobody can TYPE
me: HAHAHAHHAH i will look fr 8RED
damnt it
damn it*
Ana: AHAHAA
ITS ALREADY WORKING
me: rob must be mid battle by now
Ana: PSH
he couldnt baattle
if by battle you mean "hiding in the laundry room with the cat"
me: i thought he played lots of vampire wars on facebook?
hahahahhahahhahah!
Ana: i bet Karl could hold his own
me: at least he'd save karl!
Ana: karl would be right at home
probably ebcome elader before i get there
me: hahahahhahahahhahahhhahah!!!! that's one badass cat
Ana: he truly is
he practices fighting with rubber bands
me: rob or karl?
Ana: kalr
hah
me: lol! 8RED HAS BEGUN!
Ana: ALL HAIL KALR
me: and..erm...don't look a that man crying in the laundry room...
Ana: AHAHAHA

Mice > Cris > Ants

Ana's status: THIS IS WAR! ANT WAR!
me: why are you having an ant war?
Ana: they are everywhere
they come in when it rains
there are dead bodies everywhere
its super gross
me: dead bodies haha
many casualties in war
Ana: so many!
its grim
me: but it sounds like your side is winning
Ana: i dont think so
there are many more of them
me: but you're bigger
Ana: true
but im also grossed out
me: i went through a mouse war last year
ugh it was horrible
Ana: OH NO
THAT WOULD MAKE ME SAD\
me: sad for the mice or sad for me?
Ana: them
:(
me: what about me?? i had to throw away a lot of food
i could have gotten sick
or died!
Ana: you wouldnt die silly
poor guys
i would feel bad if i had to kill them
i had pet mice
they are sooo cuuute
Ana: i need soup!

My name's Crawl and I'm the RA.

me: erm pauly shore is on the radio...talking about his movie Son In Law and I'm kinda remembering how I somehow managed to crush on him in that movie
LOL!
pretty sure i was the only one to crush on Pauly Shore...ever..
Ana: i think you were
ahahahahaaaaa
me: LOL!!! hmm wonder if he's married....
(i still have Son in Law on VHS....)
Ana: gross gross grossss
maybe you are a lesbian?
me: HAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!
but he's a boy!
Ana: he's a really girly annoying boy
me: ahh now Breckin Meyers is on the radio! It's all hot guys this morning! eep!
Ana: who the f is breckin meyers?

I've lost my mindz!

me: how is your mind today? did you get it back?
Ana did not receive your chat.
me: receive my chat!
Ana: huh?
me: hah sorry i sent you something and it said you didn't receive my chat
wasn't really expecting you to receive my chat
this time
Ana: buh?
me: me: how is your mind today? did you get it back?
Ana did not receive your chat. me: receive my chat!
Ana: where is the chat?
here?
oooh
its better today?
maybe'

(Thank you Ana, for the picture used in this post...it makes Ana posting easier when I can steal her homemade cake pictures too!)

Future Dogs and Magical Midgets

me: whats your facebook password?
Ana: bahahaa why?
me: no good reason...
my friends account got hacked
and i said i wouldnt be a good hacker
bc i'd guess spraklypurplepants as everyone's password
Ana: ahaha well thats not it
me: does it have to do with food?
Ana: nope
me: past, present or future dogs and/or cats you owned/own/will own?
Ana: bahahaha future dogs
my PASSWORD IS NAY UNGUESSABLE
but yes, it has a pet name and numbers
me: teddy3?
any variation of bob?
Ana: ahaha nope
me: carl5812?
Ana: aahah no
also its KARL
me: whoops
KARL666?
Ana: nopeeeee
me: ok i give up, what is it?
Ana: im not telling
its a passswooorddddd
gandolf says : YOU SHALL NOT PASS-WOOORDDD
me: tell me
whats the worst i could do?
Ana: LOT SOF STUFF
i could ask myself the saaaame question
and the answer is scary
and hilarious
lets just say there would be lots of naked midgets
me: yea, thats why i would NEVER give you my password
bad idea
you think you'd ever have a fling with a midget?
Ana: no no no no no noooooooooooo
only if it gave me magical powers
then yes
me: what kind of powers?
Ana: levitation
mind reading
me: so you could find out people's fb passwords?
Ana: ahahaha yes, exactly
my ultimate goal
me: but im the one who wants to know your password!
Ana: the ultimate irony

From Wine to Emails...

Ana: man
i wish it was still like that
im all for legalizing drugs
tax the shit out of them
and if you die its your own fault
me: LOL! agreed!
Ana: i would buy the SHIT out of cocaine wine
all the deliciousness of wine with the fun of cocaine! win win
me: LOL!!!!!
i wonder what it tasted like
Ana: unicorns'
me: lol!! obviously!
i wonder if it'd make you tired or hyper
your body would be so confused hahahah
(random Ana transition)
Ana: wtf is meal deal?
me: i think it's like groupon, but purely food?
i dunno though, cuz you get mealbucks?
i think to buy the deals.
Ana: i need to eat less emals
me: hahahahahha!!!!!!
i read that as "emails"
Ana: that too
me: hahah yeah it's best to stay away from consuming junk mail
Ana: yeah and spam

Here Face Destroyer, Here Kitty

Ana's status: HUMANS ARE STUPID!

me: so are cats
my roommate's stupid cat is the worst
she scratches the couch, jumps on the kitchen counter, doesn't understand the word no, and she tries to bite me when i pet her!
Ana: AHAHAHA
my cat does that
they give no fuck
well he doesnt scratch the furniture
and only bites when hes really excited
me: well this cat hates me
it probably knows i dont like it
and i call it cat, not by her name
Ana: WHATS THE NAME?
oops caps
me: hahaha
sandy
Ana: sandy
more like, Blandy
me: yeah i dont like that name
i had suggested chiquita banana
Ana: or Face Destroyer
me: hmm im not sure about that one...it seems a little violent and the cat already tries to bite me
Ana: Bitey

Nightmare!

Me: one of my worst nightmares happened today!
i always have horrible dreams that i'm out in public and all of a sudden my shoes are gone
so today, i got up, got dressed and started driving to work
and on the drive realized that i'm still wearing the sports bra i sleep in! aka the bra from MIDDLE SCHOOL that DOES NOTHING TO SUPPORT ANYTHING!
which is kinda like being without shoes
thank GOD i brought my jean jacket w/me, i'm sitting here w/it buttoned up
not taking it off
Ana: AHAHAHAHA
i thought you were going to say you went to work with no shoes
like in the dream!
one time i almost left with no pants
my shirt was long, it confused me
me: did you realize before you left the house?
Ana: i was at the car
Me: ohh drafty

Carpet Care, Ana-Style

Ana works for a well-known coupon-offering service writing funny/quirky little blurbs about their recent offers. Since we know how you enjoy reading Ana funnyness, especially in Russia and Singapore, we thought we'd link to her writings.

Excerpt: "Its crews of carpet commandos scour each square inch of shag for spots and dirt, removing the treacherous particles before they have time to twirl their tiny, evil mustaches."

Link to full text: Premium Carpet Care Deal of the Day

Spanx Jerks

Ana's status: MY GREEN TEA REEKS OF MARIJUANA

me: pot tea - it's the new brownies
Ana: its much less delicious than brownies
boooo
me: yeah im not a fan of tea anyway
Ana: its OK, better with SUGAR like everything
im ona diet
i fit into smaller underwears!
me: hooray!
that's the real measure of how well a diet is going haha
Ana: yeah its a real pain in the ballsack
Ana: i have to fit into a dress for this weekend
still not sure it thats going to happen
its frightening
me: are you almost there or do you have a lot more to go?
Ana: i dont know
ahahaha
last time i tried it on didnt quite fit....
as in not really at all
me: lol
can you use some spanx or something?
Ana: yeah
but they can only do so much
fingers crossed
that shits expensive though
Ana: stupid jerks
me: the sacrifices us women have to make in the name of beauty and non-fatness!
Ana: or fat-hidingness
ahahaa

Royal Wedding, Ana Style

Anas facebook status: Why do people care about the royal wedding??? Will there be nudity or something? Then I might care.
Jess: man the royal wedding is like the absolute opposite of nudity.
Ana: They even wear clothes on the inside!
Jess: HEY YOUNG LADY. YOUR LUNGS ARE NAKED. PUT A SHIRT ON THEM.
Brooke: Because it's so romantic...just accept it. :)
Ana: its so barfy
Ana: Also, is there a law against nobility shaving their heads when they're balding? Give it up dear Charles. (That's the guy, right?? Steve? Jimbo?)
Ana: Charlemagne?
Robert: It is ridiculous. These people are born to do nothing. I have to give the chick some credit though. She was born to work and now she and all here descendants will be worthless and unproductive just like her inbred husband.
Ana: oOooOOoooOOOH SNAAAP.
Kaitlin: i hear there's lots of teeth, not so much hair, and a few horses...
Ana: that sounds like a great wedding night.

Ana's new status message - the yogurt is also cursed
me: MMM i'm about to yogurt
i hope mines not cursed
Ana: it IS
me: but it's cherry flavored!
i'm pretty sure that's the jesus of yogurt
Ana: psh
it wishes
me: well it's DEFINITELY the most delicious. i think vanilla yogurt is the worst
Ana: all yogurt is the worst
unless its greek
WITH FAT
fat free yogurt can suck a dick
me: i've never tried greek yogurt, i hear it's really good for you though
Ana: its the damn best
Ana: with honey? omggggg
me: ewwww
honey is the devil
Ana: wtf
you, are a crazy woman

Why Ana is Too Busy for Church

me: happy monday after easter!
ana: bahah you too
did you have fun?
me: i ate some chocolate. that was fun
and there was a hot guy at mass
i know that's not the most appropriate place to check out men but...
ana: ahahaaa
hey help yourself
no rule against that
me: i think god would enjoy it if i found a man at church
it would help me go more often
ana: oh i go less often
as in never
meeting a guy that goes to church would help me to look like a jerk
"oh youre going to church? i uh, have to...watch TV and eat pancakes.....instead."

The Face of Hot Sauce

me: oooweeeeooooo i look just like buddy holly
ana: oh oh and I like to eat hot sauce
ana: i dont care where your pita chips are, anyway
i dont care about that!
me: mmm pita chips
ana: i love them as well
i make em in the oven
me: i just buy them at the store
the cinnamon ones yum
ana: but you cant eat those with humus
me: i have the sabra garlic humus in the fridge right now yum
ana: jalepeno
chipotle is good!
me: haha you and your spicy food
ana: i literally ate half a bottle of hot sauce yesterday
man, i have to stop doing that
TOO EXPENSIVE
me: maybe you can ask them to sponsor you
you can put their logo on your car
and a flag outside your house
in return for free hot sauce for life
ana: oh man
would do that
me: maybe you could be the subway jared of hot sauce
ana: ahahaha the hot sauce diet?
well i am pooping too much today

WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!

Ana's status: I'm starting a gang. Who wants in?
me: me!
Ana: you gotta go through the gang initiation you know
me: ut oh, i'm not so good with initiations
i'm really good at wearing the colors though!
Ana: you gotta run someone over with your car
WHILE wearing a clown suit then, as you rush away from their crumpled, lifeless body you have to honk your oversized novelty horn while yelling "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?!"
me: do i get bonus points if the person i run over is a midget?
Ana: NO
i have a select few that need to be run over
as of yet, no midgets
me: LOL!!
like?
Ana: *content edited for posting to the web*
me: sweet, then i'm totally in
Ana: i have to start making some excel spread sheets
gang activities are hard to manage properly without a good logistical data representation
maybe i'll make a flow chart
me: perhaps a power point presentation?
Ana: yeah it would be good to spruce up the portfolio for potential future members

Gang Colors

Ana's status: I'm starting a gang. Who wants in?

me: me!
ana: ok but you gotta be tough
you gotta chew rocks!
you gotta kill a man with a slinky!
me: i've already done that
ana: you gotta use old ladies for their cookie making then NOT give them a hug thank-you!
me: oh shoot, that i've never done
me: can i thank her in spanish
ana: no
prohibito no!
me: that must be ana spanish for prohibido
ana: yes! its gang talk!
you better learn it!
dont want to piss off the gang and get the bologna-spanking of a lifetime
me: yes ma'am! any other gang-words i should know?
what is this gang called?
and what are our colors so i know how to tell who's in it?
ana: colors are easy, clear and tweed
i have a clear suit with tweed patches on my elbows
to make it look classy
me: of course, of course
me: i have a red tweed skirt, does that work?
ana: yes
yes it does
but you betetr wear a saran wrap shirt just to be safe
me: eep can i wear a bra under it or should that be either clear or tweed too?
ana: tweed bra
me: hmm ok
i'll look for one online
ana: sweet let me know when you do
we have to plan initiation night, and i know dominoes doesnt deliver past 11
me: i thought we only ate rocks
ana: no thats just for toughness
me: ok, rocks and pizza, got it!
ana: mmmm
i want pizza

Scarf Status Numero Uno

Ana's new status message - But this time instead of some stupid pay booth, it was a sexy lawn gnome vending machine. The instructions read that if I wanted to leave the parking lot, I would have to feed the Mechanical Parking Garage Horse a "sexy lawn gnome". If the gnome wasn't sexy enough, the Mechanical Parking Garage Horse would spit it out and demand that I try again. 11:55 AM


Cris to me: hahahaa omg i just said to her your status is too long. like your scarf

Ana's new status message: ow, my scarf is short? 1:56 PM

Me to Ana: it should be ahhhhhhh, my scarf is short!

Ana's new status message - weee! my scarf is regular! 1:58 PM

Cris to Ana:  have you ever tried those infinity scarves or whatever they're called? it's just a big circle scarf and you loop it around your neck, that way your scarf is neither too long or too cold

Ana:  you just saved me hours of confusion!

Ana's Blog

Deciding on a blog name is difficult!!


Ana: nah, i would make a blog
me: ohhh yay!
Ana: but i feel like if i did make a blog...
i would offend most people i know
my thoughts are offensive!
and my stories involve people im friends with
sometimes not in the best light
hmmm
also there would be sex
I could USE A PEN NAME
BUT THEN I COULDNT TELL ANYONE ABOUT IT!
me: booooo no just be raunchy
under ana
Ana: what should I calll it?
i wanted to put karl in there too
Sex, Lies, Angry cats
me: Sex, Lies & Karl
My Scarf is too Long...and other lies
Ana: BRRR my scarf is long!
me: Karl Just Wants to Leave
Pokey Cat
Ana: Salami leg
me: Cris says "How Sriracha makes your weirdest concoctions taste semi-decent"
Ana: that is loong
like my scarf
me: "Jewish Cats"
Ana: blorrrrgggggg
me: that's what you should call it "blorrrggggg" hahah!
Ana: catchy
and if you spell it wrong, you'll never get there!
NO YOU IDIOT ITS THREE R'S AND FIVE G'S!

Oatmeal, Licorice, and Bubble Gum Flavored Non-Bubble Gum Food Stuff

It all started with an innocent conversation between Kait and I about peanut butter. Kait said she added peanut butter to her oatmeal but didn't enjoy it. I said I just don't like oatmeal. Kait said Ana also doesn't like oatmeal - she gets grossed out when it's mentioned. What followed:

me:  you know what i love?

ana:  MASHED POTATOES??? 

me:  OATMEAL!

i cant get enough of it!

ana:  OH GOD

DONT BRING THAT TRASH UP IN HERE

me:  ok, you insult oatmeal, you insult me!

ana:  i loathe oatmeal!

ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

me:  my heart is breaking

ana:  is it bleeding oatmeal?

there are only 3 things i hate...well 3 food things

me:  no, it's bleeding sadness, hurt and betrayal

ana:  oatmeal, licorice, and bubble-gum flavored crap that isnt bubblegum

me:  im actually eating bubble gum and licorice flavored oatmeal right now

ana:  AYJHFAYTFATFAA

ana:  I JUST DOES INSIDE

DIED

AHEM

Which of course I related to Kait, which in turn prompted her to say:

kait:  you know what i love????
bubble gum flavored ice cream!
ana:  ARGH