Thou Shalt Not Speak Of...

me: somehow i spent a shitload at target and i dont even know what i got really
some draino, a dress, face lotion...
Ana: oh target will do that...
let us not speak of it

Valiant Yogurtmen

Ana's new status message - HAIR REMOVAL GROUPON. EDITED JOKES HERE WE COME!
me: hahahahahha!!! i need a link to this article when you're done!
Ana: bahaha
im sure by the time its edited it will be nice and tarded
me: hahahahhahahahha!! then i will insert my own Ana commentary in my head
as i read it
bahahah
Ana: http://www.groupon.com/deals/alpine-yogurt-cafe yogurt cow
me: hahahah! your opening line is amazing
Ana: bahah rob helped
it was better before the edits
Ana: i called them yogurtmen
valiant yogurtmen

8RED

Ana: SO ROB CALLS ME
and hurridly asks me if the shop downstairs has five 50 pound bags of concrete that i can take home
i ask him why and he says "I dont have time to explain"
i REALLY hope he didnt open up another underground portal to hell
me: LMAO!!!!!!
Ana: plus that wouls take at LEAST 7 bags
me: the portal is obviously affecting his math skillz
Ana: sooo I have NO IDEA what im going home to
me: what could he possibly make with 5 bags of concrete?? LMAO!
dont you need one of those mixer trucks to go with it?
Ana: ahahahaaaaa
i have no idea
its all very alarming
me: hahah i'm still dying laughing
Ana: ahahahahaaaaa
me: you MUST provide this concrete
Ana: im scared!
me: if anything it'll just end in someones death...nothing to be concerned about
bahahhahahaha
Ana: they dont have any!
me: OH NO
you're screwed then
bahahhahahahhaahahhahha
Ana: there are going to be all kinds of devils eating my food and drawing on the walls when i get there
me: your only concern about having devils in your house is them drawing on your walls?!?!?!?!?!
hahahahhahhahahhahah
Ana: rob will have soot all over his face
me: OR PREHAPS THE DEVILS WILL BE EATING HIS BRAINS!
Ana: i'll have to go find some virgins
TOUGH JOB
naaaah
Ana: i have a lot of pina colada mix lefy
me: not after the drunk devils get to it
Ana: oh man that could be fun though
maybe this is a good thing
unique marketing opportinity
me: sooo you're basically saying you either need to come home with a shit ton of concerte...or a shit ton of virgins
this is why you're my friend
hahahhaha
Ana: if tomorrow the sun rises read, you'll know
8RED
and if nobody can TYPE
me: HAHAHAHHAH i will look fr 8RED
damnt it
damn it*
Ana: AHAHAA
ITS ALREADY WORKING
me: rob must be mid battle by now
Ana: PSH
he couldnt baattle
if by battle you mean "hiding in the laundry room with the cat"
me: i thought he played lots of vampire wars on facebook?
hahahahhahahhahah!
Ana: i bet Karl could hold his own
me: at least he'd save karl!
Ana: karl would be right at home
probably ebcome elader before i get there
me: hahahahhahahahhahahhhahah!!!! that's one badass cat
Ana: he truly is
he practices fighting with rubber bands
me: rob or karl?
Ana: kalr
hah
me: lol! 8RED HAS BEGUN!
Ana: ALL HAIL KALR
me: and..erm...don't look a that man crying in the laundry room...
Ana: AHAHAHA

Mice > Cris > Ants

Ana's status: THIS IS WAR! ANT WAR!
me: why are you having an ant war?
Ana: they are everywhere
they come in when it rains
there are dead bodies everywhere
its super gross
me: dead bodies haha
many casualties in war
Ana: so many!
its grim
me: but it sounds like your side is winning
Ana: i dont think so
there are many more of them
me: but you're bigger
Ana: true
but im also grossed out
me: i went through a mouse war last year
ugh it was horrible
Ana: OH NO
THAT WOULD MAKE ME SAD\
me: sad for the mice or sad for me?
Ana: them
:(
me: what about me?? i had to throw away a lot of food
i could have gotten sick
or died!
Ana: you wouldnt die silly
poor guys
i would feel bad if i had to kill them
i had pet mice
they are sooo cuuute
Ana: i need soup!

My name's Crawl and I'm the RA.

me: erm pauly shore is on the radio...talking about his movie Son In Law and I'm kinda remembering how I somehow managed to crush on him in that movie
LOL!
pretty sure i was the only one to crush on Pauly Shore...ever..
Ana: i think you were
ahahahahaaaaa
me: LOL!!! hmm wonder if he's married....
(i still have Son in Law on VHS....)
Ana: gross gross grossss
maybe you are a lesbian?
me: HAHAHAHHAHAH!!!!
but he's a boy!
Ana: he's a really girly annoying boy
me: ahh now Breckin Meyers is on the radio! It's all hot guys this morning! eep!
Ana: who the f is breckin meyers?

I've lost my mindz!

me: how is your mind today? did you get it back?
Ana did not receive your chat.
me: receive my chat!
Ana: huh?
me: hah sorry i sent you something and it said you didn't receive my chat
wasn't really expecting you to receive my chat
this time
Ana: buh?
me: me: how is your mind today? did you get it back?
Ana did not receive your chat. me: receive my chat!
Ana: where is the chat?
here?
oooh
its better today?
maybe'

(Thank you Ana, for the picture used in this post...it makes Ana posting easier when I can steal her homemade cake pictures too!)

Future Dogs and Magical Midgets

me: whats your facebook password?
Ana: bahahaa why?
me: no good reason...
my friends account got hacked
and i said i wouldnt be a good hacker
bc i'd guess spraklypurplepants as everyone's password
Ana: ahaha well thats not it
me: does it have to do with food?
Ana: nope
me: past, present or future dogs and/or cats you owned/own/will own?
Ana: bahahaha future dogs
my PASSWORD IS NAY UNGUESSABLE
but yes, it has a pet name and numbers
me: teddy3?
any variation of bob?
Ana: ahaha nope
me: carl5812?
Ana: aahah no
also its KARL
me: whoops
KARL666?
Ana: nopeeeee
me: ok i give up, what is it?
Ana: im not telling
its a passswooorddddd
gandolf says : YOU SHALL NOT PASS-WOOORDDD
me: tell me
whats the worst i could do?
Ana: LOT SOF STUFF
i could ask myself the saaaame question
and the answer is scary
and hilarious
lets just say there would be lots of naked midgets
me: yea, thats why i would NEVER give you my password
bad idea
you think you'd ever have a fling with a midget?
Ana: no no no no no noooooooooooo
only if it gave me magical powers
then yes
me: what kind of powers?
Ana: levitation
mind reading
me: so you could find out people's fb passwords?
Ana: ahahaha yes, exactly
my ultimate goal
me: but im the one who wants to know your password!
Ana: the ultimate irony

From Wine to Emails...

Ana: man
i wish it was still like that
im all for legalizing drugs
tax the shit out of them
and if you die its your own fault
me: LOL! agreed!
Ana: i would buy the SHIT out of cocaine wine
all the deliciousness of wine with the fun of cocaine! win win
me: LOL!!!!!
i wonder what it tasted like
Ana: unicorns'
me: lol!! obviously!
i wonder if it'd make you tired or hyper
your body would be so confused hahahah
(random Ana transition)
Ana: wtf is meal deal?
me: i think it's like groupon, but purely food?
i dunno though, cuz you get mealbucks?
i think to buy the deals.
Ana: i need to eat less emals
me: hahahahahha!!!!!!
i read that as "emails"
Ana: that too
me: hahah yeah it's best to stay away from consuming junk mail
Ana: yeah and spam

Here Face Destroyer, Here Kitty

Ana's status: HUMANS ARE STUPID!

me: so are cats
my roommate's stupid cat is the worst
she scratches the couch, jumps on the kitchen counter, doesn't understand the word no, and she tries to bite me when i pet her!
Ana: AHAHAHA
my cat does that
they give no fuck
well he doesnt scratch the furniture
and only bites when hes really excited
me: well this cat hates me
it probably knows i dont like it
and i call it cat, not by her name
Ana: WHATS THE NAME?
oops caps
me: hahaha
sandy
Ana: sandy
more like, Blandy
me: yeah i dont like that name
i had suggested chiquita banana
Ana: or Face Destroyer
me: hmm im not sure about that one...it seems a little violent and the cat already tries to bite me
Ana: Bitey

Nightmare!

Me: one of my worst nightmares happened today!
i always have horrible dreams that i'm out in public and all of a sudden my shoes are gone
so today, i got up, got dressed and started driving to work
and on the drive realized that i'm still wearing the sports bra i sleep in! aka the bra from MIDDLE SCHOOL that DOES NOTHING TO SUPPORT ANYTHING!
which is kinda like being without shoes
thank GOD i brought my jean jacket w/me, i'm sitting here w/it buttoned up
not taking it off
Ana: AHAHAHAHA
i thought you were going to say you went to work with no shoes
like in the dream!
one time i almost left with no pants
my shirt was long, it confused me
me: did you realize before you left the house?
Ana: i was at the car
Me: ohh drafty

Carpet Care, Ana-Style

Ana works for a well-known coupon-offering service writing funny/quirky little blurbs about their recent offers. Since we know how you enjoy reading Ana funnyness, especially in Russia and Singapore, we thought we'd link to her writings.

Excerpt: "Its crews of carpet commandos scour each square inch of shag for spots and dirt, removing the treacherous particles before they have time to twirl their tiny, evil mustaches."

Link to full text: Premium Carpet Care Deal of the Day

Spanx Jerks

Ana's status: MY GREEN TEA REEKS OF MARIJUANA

me: pot tea - it's the new brownies
Ana: its much less delicious than brownies
boooo
me: yeah im not a fan of tea anyway
Ana: its OK, better with SUGAR like everything
im ona diet
i fit into smaller underwears!
me: hooray!
that's the real measure of how well a diet is going haha
Ana: yeah its a real pain in the ballsack
Ana: i have to fit into a dress for this weekend
still not sure it thats going to happen
its frightening
me: are you almost there or do you have a lot more to go?
Ana: i dont know
ahahaha
last time i tried it on didnt quite fit....
as in not really at all
me: lol
can you use some spanx or something?
Ana: yeah
but they can only do so much
fingers crossed
that shits expensive though
Ana: stupid jerks
me: the sacrifices us women have to make in the name of beauty and non-fatness!
Ana: or fat-hidingness
ahahaa